My friend Karly once told me that I would make a good Catholic. Apparently, they have alot of gulit. And my friend, I have guilt in spades. It seems to be the only emotion I can truly feel these days. Everything else has been pushed out by a haze of tiredness, but guilt is here in full force. Its my default setting. Like right now. Every day from 2 to 4, the kids have nap time. I feed Cam, put her in the swing and take J up for his nap. Today, however, Cam is not cooperating. I put her in the swing and she started to fuss. Then she'd stop. Then she'd start talking. Then she'd stop. Then she'd fuss. Then she looked like she was going to fall asleep and then she would fuss. She is now asleep after A WHOLE HOUR of that. I have been reading this sleep habit book and it said, "If you go to them after just 15 minutes and wake them up, you may deprive them of an hour or two of sleep", so using this as my excuse, I did not pick her up when she fussed...but I sure do feel guilty about it. No matter that she continues to keep me up all hours of the night, I still feel guilty if I do not pick her up.
And the hits keep coming:
J Guilt - I feel guilty because I don't feel like I spend enough time with J. When I do spend time with him, I feel that it isn't "quality". I haven't taught him enough about God...I don't fix him healthy enough meals...He still can't read...I am not patient enough with him...
Friend/Family guilt - I don't think about people in my family enough...do I really care about what matters to them enough...am I doing enough for them...when I spend time with them is it "quality"
Wife Guilt - Am I a good enough wife...do I do enough around the house?...
OK - she's fussing again. Still not going to pick her up...and I feel guilty about that.
Christian Guilt - we are between churches so I feel like I'm not doing enough for the Kingdom...we are going to owe alot in back tithes...when people ask where we go to church, I have no good answer...when people ask why we left our last church I have a good answer, but its not something I care to discuss with others.
Ok - no longer fussing. Seems to be sleeping...
How do you let it go? How do you just enjoy life for what it is - selfishness and all? I mean, this whole blog is selfish - all I do is talk about what I want to talk about - no matter how petty and self absorbed. I once had a friend (now an ex-friend) that never had a problem with guilt. She would do something bad and say, "I guess I shouldn't have done that to so and so. OH well. They will get over it". Her guilt came and went just like that. This never bothered me because I was never so and so, until one day I was and that is why we are no longer friends. So, part of me clings to my guilt because I don't want to be like her. How do you find middle ground?
PK tells me I always have to be worried about something or I'm not happy. Is it possible that I am sabotoging my own happiness? I AM happy. I have nothing in the world to be sad about. Maybe I just feel guilty to be so blessed in a world with so much pain. Maybe I should just take life as it comes to me. Today is pretty good (except for the no sleep), but I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, so I should just be happy for today. Ok. I'll try that.