Guilt
My friend Karly once told me that I would make a good Catholic. Apparently, they have alot of gulit. And my friend, I have guilt in spades. It seems to be the only emotion I can truly feel these days. Everything else has been pushed out by a haze of tiredness, but guilt is here in full force. Its my default setting. Like right now. Every day from 2 to 4, the kids have nap time. I feed Cam, put her in the swing and take J up for his nap. Today, however, Cam is not cooperating. I put her in the swing and she started to fuss. Then she'd stop. Then she'd start talking. Then she'd stop. Then she'd fuss. Then she looked like she was going to fall asleep and then she would fuss. She is now asleep after A WHOLE HOUR of that. I have been reading this sleep habit book and it said, "If you go to them after just 15 minutes and wake them up, you may deprive them of an hour or two of sleep", so using this as my excuse, I did not pick her up when she fussed...but I sure do feel guilty about it. No matter that she continues to keep me up all hours of the night, I still feel guilty if I do not pick her up.
And the hits keep coming:
J Guilt - I feel guilty because I don't feel like I spend enough time with J. When I do spend time with him, I feel that it isn't "quality". I haven't taught him enough about God...I don't fix him healthy enough meals...He still can't read...I am not patient enough with him...
Friend/Family guilt - I don't think about people in my family enough...do I really care about what matters to them enough...am I doing enough for them...when I spend time with them is it "quality"
Wife Guilt - Am I a good enough wife...do I do enough around the house?...
OK - she's fussing again. Still not going to pick her up...and I feel guilty about that.
Christian Guilt - we are between churches so I feel like I'm not doing enough for the Kingdom...we are going to owe alot in back tithes...when people ask where we go to church, I have no good answer...when people ask why we left our last church I have a good answer, but its not something I care to discuss with others.
Ok - no longer fussing. Seems to be sleeping...
How do you let it go? How do you just enjoy life for what it is - selfishness and all? I mean, this whole blog is selfish - all I do is talk about what I want to talk about - no matter how petty and self absorbed. I once had a friend (now an ex-friend) that never had a problem with guilt. She would do something bad and say, "I guess I shouldn't have done that to so and so. OH well. They will get over it". Her guilt came and went just like that. This never bothered me because I was never so and so, until one day I was and that is why we are no longer friends. So, part of me clings to my guilt because I don't want to be like her. How do you find middle ground?
PK tells me I always have to be worried about something or I'm not happy. Is it possible that I am sabotoging my own happiness? I AM happy. I have nothing in the world to be sad about. Maybe I just feel guilty to be so blessed in a world with so much pain. Maybe I should just take life as it comes to me. Today is pretty good (except for the no sleep), but I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, so I should just be happy for today. Ok. I'll try that.
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4 comments:
Do be happy for today and see what happens tomorrow. Some people do just have to have something to worry about but that is just the way they are and even if you don't want to, can't do anything about it.
Now, I think you are so tired that it is affecting your feelings about everything and when you finally do catch up on sleep, things will look better. So still try to nap or at least lie down when the children are nappping.
(Sleep is my cure for everything).
You are a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, church member.
It will not hurt Campbell if you do not pick her up every time she fusses. You spend quality time with Jason but it has to be less b/c of Campbell. You are good to your husband and call your family and friends and that is all anyone can expect of you.When you find the right church and it is easier getting everybody ready to go you will go to church again. And this is your blog so you can write about whatever you want.
I've seen your scrapbooking and heard about things you do with your family and friends so I know you are doing great. After I had my second child, I sometimes did well if I had changed out of my pajamas by 3:00.
It will get better.
WHOA! That's a lot, KT. Might you need to revisit our little blue friend? If klhcain's answer for everything is sleep, mine is the little blue pill. :) Ditto on everything she said though.
I don't always feel guilt, but I always have to have something to worry about. It is a hard thing to let go of. I think that I think if I don't worry about a whole bunch of things then I will be getting cocky and something REALLY bad will happen...but of course that is not true.
You are great and I love you!
Katie, This phase will past! You are in the worst phase of having two. Letting her cry opens her lungs and you will enjoy the benefits if you continue. But it is never easy to listen too. I turn the sound off the baby monitor and just watch the lights. I have laughed about me needing to be a Catholic or marry one (Have you been to a Catholic Wedding?Fun!)! I felt the same about son when daughter was born and thought why did I think this was a good idea? (I still ask that question some days!) But there are those thousand moments when they are lauging together that steals my soul. You will not only have them but your crafty self will have a cute saying and photo for the moments!! And church and service have nothing to do with your personal relationship with Christ. And if your visiting around . . . I know this great church with a rocking VBS director.
Katie, You are an awesome person. Guilt is part of being a mother. I had this conversation yesterday with Jen about the guilt I carry. When it comes to your relationship with God, noone can judge you on your relationship becuase it is yours. Only He knows your heart and I'm sure He is pleased with you. You are never going to feel like you've done everything greatly because you can't! Jesus was the only perfect person...not Katie. I recently heard something in church that means a lot to me. It is important for our children to know that they can't have everything. There is only one person who can give them everything they need and that is God. If we give them everything physically and emotionally then they won't learn to turn to God. That is something you can teach Jason now. It takes 10 seconds to tell him that. I think you are a wonderful mother and I don't say that about everyone! And you are a much better friend than I am. I get so wrapped up in my family that I don't make much time for friends. You and Karly and Leah seem to have a wonderful friendship that has stood the test of time and that says a lot!
About Westwood...don't let your children go to our VBS...terrible leaders!
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